Positive thinking vs. realistic thinking

When I’ve been in a state of major depression, I remember how dark my thoughts were and how much I did not want to be here. I was constantly thinking negatively. Things seemed so pessimistic; life seemed pointless and I didn’t have the energy to “think positively”. Talking to myself positively was SO hard. It seemed unachievable.

Fast forward to 2019, I had a conversation with someone who is very dear to me about the state of sadness they’ve been in. You could tell just from the conversation that they were feeling angry at the world and their life. I suggested changing their perspective on life and what it brings you. I admitted, as simple as that sounds, it’s not an easy thing to do. They followed the suggestion with the statement: “Positive thinking is just means you’re lying to yourself.” I thought about what that meant after they said that and let that sink in. I finally realized what has been been helping me since I started feeling better myself. It wasn’t positive thinking— it was thinking realistically.

Let me be clear, I’m not a psychologist nor a therapist. But from reading many self-help books and going through years of therapy, this is something I’m learning.

what is positive thinking? What is realistic thinking? What’s the difference?

Positive thinking, to me, is very conceptual. By that I mean that I think it can take a lot more faith than you might have at the moment. Thinking positively often means telling yourself things that aren’t certain to be completely true. Like negative thinking, it consists of a lot of generalizations about yourself or situations. Negative thinking and positive thinking are very black and white- it’s either one or the other.

Realistic thinking is evidence based. This means you look at the facts and build up your thoughts from there. It takes a a lot of honesty to look at the facts without making any assumptions/generalizations. You consider more factors that make up the situation you’re in so that way you can look at things realistically.

Here’s an example of a situation and the different perspectives you can use and what assumptions they might lead to:

You’re about to play a new arcade game that you’ve never played before and you’re not sure if you’ll win or not.

• Negative thinking: “I’m gonna lose, I’m going to suck at this” could lead to "I suck at all games” (a negative generalization).

• Positive thinking: “I know I’m gonna win!” could lead to disappointment because it didn’t happen the way you wanted it to. Or you could think “Well I’m gonna win next time” and then repeat the process.

• Realistic thinking: “I’ve never played before. Chances are 50/50. I could have a shot!” could lead to winning or losing, but because you were honest with yourself you aren’t going to conclude anything.

Obviously these aren’t the only outcomes, but just to paint you a picture this is how many things can play out for you. I used a personal example because things like video games, arcade games— games in general— give me a sense of anxiety. Might sound unfamiliar to you, but I feel that way because since I was a child I’ve used negative thinking towards skill with games. One day, who knows when, I concluded that “I am terrible at games, ugh, I suck at everything”. But my mindset today with a more realistic perspective is “Well, I don’t play games very often and barely have. I don’t practice it, so I might not get better if I don’t. But I don’t care about it enough so eh, it’s fine! I’m good at other things, so I know I don’t suck at everything”.

With my therapist, I wrote down some negative thoughts I’ve formed about myself in the past or currently. 

“I’m a failure”

“No one cares about me”

What I try to tell myself now:

“What even is the definition of failure? What do I think it means? Well I’m not that because in the past I’ve made this and this accomplishment. So that statement can’t be completely true.”

“I might feel like that right now. But ____ and ______ checked on me the other week. And I know my mom loves me. So people do care and that statement is false.”

When you’re in doubt, look at the proof. Write down evidence to your negative conclusion about yourself or the situation. Sometimes seeing it makes it easier to realize the truth.

Which one is better?

I realized that feeling those negative emotions that I was experiencing was SO hard to go through already, but I also couldn’t work my way to having the most positive thoughts either. So I asked myself, “if it’s ALREADY hard right now, isn’t it worth it to try the option that has the chance of feeling better?”

That being said, neither one is wrong or worse than the other. One isn't easier than the other. Whatever works for you, works for you.

From the statement I heard from that loved one, I can tell that others and myself feel like thinking positively is out of reach. When you’re in a lost/depressed state, it pretty much seems impossible. Personally, knowing that, I have made the most progress through realistic thinking.

Photo by Lucia Litman

Learn which one works for you because thinking negatively only moves you backwards. Change your thoughts and you’ll learn a lot about yourself along the way.

“Everything you desire is right here, right now. You just have to change your perception in order to see it manifest.”

— Jen Sincero, You are a Badass

The world is yours, if you let it be.

Much love,

Aimee Elazegui